Dear Son,
I'm writin this slow cause I know you cain't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. I won't be able to send you this address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put our shirts in it pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons so we cut them off. You can find them in the pocket.
We got a bill from the funeral home. Said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your father. He has a new job. He has more than 500 men under him. He cuts the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out if its a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are a aunt or a uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the vat at the Whiskey Works. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and finally drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.
Three of your high-school classmates went off the bridge in a pickup truck. Smiley Jones was driving, Stinky Hayes and Tubby Tweedall were in the back. Smiley got out by rollin down the window and swimmin to safety. Stinky and Tubby drowned. They couldn't get the tail-gate down.
Well theres not much other news. Nothing much ever happens here.
Write when you can.
Love, MOM
P.S. I was gonna send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
(Here is a list of one liner jokes that are not suitable for children. It contains Sexual contents.)
X
What's six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it and women love it?
Money.
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What goes in pink and hard and comes out soft and wet?
Gum.
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Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on the garage door goes up.
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Why is pubic hair curly?
If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out!
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What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is soft and sweet. A cunt is the person who owns it!
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What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!
A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was
very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He
often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To
answer that question, he set up two group of computer
experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of
men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer
should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the
masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for
their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be
referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should
be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories
for it.
Great Comebacks
Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those
stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are
some great comebacks!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
(look for more jokes and more coming soon!)
