Some jokes may not be suitable for children.   Some jokes contain adult content and sexual  behavior. If you feel offended by any of this material written below then don't read. Not all the jokes are in   bad taste.  The ones marked with a X are the dirty or what I don't think are suitable for kids.  Enjoy!

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out the paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right side. Again the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time his wife having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked,"how do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

X

THE LIFE OF AN EGG

So you think your life is bad? just think how bad the life of an egg is. You only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it takes 4 minutes to get you hard and 2 minutes to get soft, you have to share a box with 11 other guys, and the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
Now Don't you feel better???

(She Was So Blonde That....)

1. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
2. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
4. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5. She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
6. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
7. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

8. She tried to drown a fish.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. She spent 20 minutes looking t the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

11. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

12. She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
13. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
WALK".

14. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
15. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
16. They had to burn the school down to get her out of the third grade.
17. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
18. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius".

19. She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
20. It take her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
21. If she spoke her mind, shed probably be speechless.
22. She studied for a blood test and failed.
23. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
24. She sold the car for gas money.
25. She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
26. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
27. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport:Left". She turned around and went home.

(THINGS TO PONDER...)

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle looses it's shell is he considered homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

X

NAME THAT PENIS!

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says "what the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis". So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The gentleman with a smile looks back and says, "TIMEX". The thirsty customer asks, "why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on ticken'!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD". The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is job number 1?" The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you, have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "why secret?" The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

X

(The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say)

10. I think Berry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages lets go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

(The Last 10 things any woman would ever say)

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

Son: Can I ask you a question dad? I have a school report due tomorrow.

Father: Of course, son. What is it?

Son: What's politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand?

Son: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning:
Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

Father: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well, Dad, while management is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit...

X

THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES
(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story of a man named john,
A poor ex-marine with a little friction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife,
She lopped off his shlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is) (Clean cut, missed the nuts)

Well the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorana's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
and tossed him out the window as she went around the bend.
(Curve, that is) (Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed. "Over there!"
To John Wayne's Willie that was waving in the air.
(Found, that is) (By a fence, evidence)

Now Willie and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix your dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all you're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed, that is) (Even seam, straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
with a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short,
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
and his pecker was the only things they didn't show on tape.
(Video, that is) ( Unexposed, case closed)

Get frustrated every softball season losing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis playing friend of yours with the killer serve?
Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you?

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