Farmer's Dayvorce
A Farmer Walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The Attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The Farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The Farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The Attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The Farmer said, "Yeah I got a grudge, That's where I park my John Deere." The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays." The Attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The Farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?" The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
Dead Camel
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there' s always been one thing I've been curious about...what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?" The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, father, now that I think about it, I've never seen man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well, for Lord's sake, Father, stick it in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"
Brain Teasers - The IDIOT TEST
Scoring:
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
(See Below For Answers - NO CHEATING!)
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cents stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
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ANSWERS:
1. Yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc...)
2. One a year.
3. all months have (at least) 28 days.
4. the beggar is the woman's sister.
5. because he is living.
6. 6 (3 per side).
7. no. The man would be dead.
8. They are not playing each other.
9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60).
10. White. (The bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole).
11. 2 (you just took 2 apples).
12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is).
13. light the match first.
14. half way (then he would be running out).
15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour).
16. 9 (all but 9 die...)
17. none. Moses was not on the ark.
18. he weighs meat.
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton
Two guys were on a job interview, one of the guys is a graduate of Harvard and the other is from Texas A&M. Both were equally qualified for the job. The interviewer did not know which to give the job too. So he had an idea. He said, "I'll give you both 5 minutes to come up with a poem using the word TIMBUKTU. The best poem will get the job." After 5 minutes the interviewer returns and asks the graduate from Harvard to go first, and his poem went like this:
"Across the desert sands,
astrode a caravan
camels marched two by two,
destination TIMBUKTU!"
Pretty good, the interviewer thought but fair is fair so he turned to the graduate from Texas A&M and asked for his poem. It went like this:
"Tim and I a huntin we went,
up ahead we saw a tent,
and in that tent three whores we knew,
I bucked one, Tim bucked two."
Guess who got the job.
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Communication
My friend is a rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground, asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word toilet in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term bathroom commode. But when she wrote that down she rewrote the entire letter again and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have it's own B.C? Is what she actually wrote.
Well the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed it to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what she meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, and sat down and wrote this reply.
Dear madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember this is a friendly community.
X
A boy and his father are walking along in the park, and the boy sees two dogs mating. The boy asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?" The father tells the boy that the dogs are making puppies. Later that evening the son walks into his parents' bedroom to discover that they are making love, and the son asks the father what they are doing. The father says, "We're making you a baby brother." The boy sys to his father, "Turn Mommy over, Dad. I'd rather have a puppy!"
X
King Arthur was off on a hunting trip, so he asked Merlin the Magician to think of something to protect Queen Guenevere from all the men in the court. Merlin invented a chastity belt with a hole in it and a hidden guillotine. King Arthur said, "What good is this; it has a hole in it!" Merlin stuck his magic wand through it, and it was cut in two. The king was pleased and went off on his trip feeling secure. When he returned, he asked that all the men in the court present themselves for inspection, and asked that they all drop their trousers. Lo and behold, each and every one of them was either castrated, nicked, scarred or wounded, except for one apparently loyal man. King Arthur wished to reward the man for his loyalty and asked him, "Just tell me what you want in my kingdom, and it's yours." The man was speechless!
An office manager had a money problem and he had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee that came to work late the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he'd catch the first one to take a coffee break. Unfortunately, the employees never took a coffee break. Then the manager decided he'd look to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely enough, neither Jill nor Jack took a lunch break; they both ate their sandwiches at work. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill I've got a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "You'd better jack off, because I'm catching a bus."
